freeing yourself from the mother
In Family Constellations Therapy, we often discuss the irresponsible or abusive parent. But what about the mother who seems perfect? The one who presents herself well, is admired by everyone, runs a successful business, is beautiful, and has a lovely relationship with her husband. She’s like a picture of perfection. But what's the subconscious impact on her children?
It’s not about blaming the mother—she isn’t at fault on a conscious level. But what happens when, throughout your life, people keep saying your mother looks like your sister or ask if you’ll take over her successful business? When they tell you that you have the same voice, the same face? As a daughter, you’re left with two choices: either smile and agree that your mother is the best or run away, realizing you can never quite exist as your own person in her shadow.
And what about the son? He might feel like his masculinity pales in comparison to his mother's. If she’s always rescuing him—from addiction, self-destruction, or other struggles—there’s an underlying message: he can’t outshine her charisma. Society, unknowingly, reinforces this pressure: if your mother is such an incredible person, you’d better be even more remarkable.
It’s a similar dynamic when a child is named after a beloved grandfather for example—there’s pressure to live up to a legacy, even if all you wanted was a simple life. Our culture loves comparing mothers and daughters, especially in the celebrity world. Who’s prettier? Who’s more successful? Think about Demi Moore’s daughters being compared to their mother’s beauty or Cindy Crawford’s daughter living in the shadow of her incandescent looks. The list goes on with Monica Bellucci’s daughter, the Hilton sisters, and so forth.
When you have such a successful parent, especially a mother—who represents a relatively new model of the beautiful, accomplished woman—it’s difficult to forge your own path. How do you build your identity without needing to 'kill' the image of the mother? It profoundly impacts love life, too. We unconsciously marry our unfinished business. Even if your father was the defective parent, your deeper romantic patterns are tied to your relationship with your mother. There’s a desire not to disappoint her, to make her proud, to be seen by her—and this need often gets transferred to a partner when that relationship is unbalanced.
The tricky part is that you can’t say she wasn’t there for you or that she didn’t care. The struggle lies in feeling like you lived in her shadow, making it hard to exist as your own person.
In Family Constellations, we work to remove the mother from the pedestal, place her behind you, and accept your feelings. The truth is, relationships with parents are rarely simple. We owe them the gift of life, but in order to fully live our own, we must break free—especially from Her.
Much Love,
Marine Sélénée