to be a mother
In every constellation, the mother has an important place. She is the one literally giving life to the future generations. The mother has that first intra utero bond and then continues to be an unbreakable rock and foundation within the family system.
It is through this important relationship that you give birth to your relationship with abundance, receiving, safety, and love. These are the principle themes related to your mother. There is also a mirror effect between her and your future partner, how you take your place in a group, and how you feel about Life.
Recently I got a glimpse into motherhood when I watched one of my besties three boys while she was on vacation. Luckily I was not alone and also had the help of my friend's mother. And omg, she is the definition of motherhood. Her grace, ease, and patience with the children was unbelievable and amazing to witness. My role was more the funny auntie that played with the boys and put them to bed with some lavender essential oil. (I had to bring my personal touch!)
The truth is, after switching lives with my friend while she was having fun in Spain and I was home with the boys, I was able to understand her more. I realized that maybe the advice I had given her in the past was not helpful or realistic. Things like: self-care, asking her husband for more support, finding at least 30-60 mins of alone time to reset her nervous system. Now I can see how easily you can lose yourself in motherhood, especially with 3 boys under the age of 4.
I decided to give my best effort to try my own advice while watching them. I woke up early to work out before I dropped the boys off. When I got home, I'd do basic things like get dressed (lol) and some work, but I kept looking at the clock anticipating when I needed to pick them up again. I knew once they got home I would be consumed with bath time, dinner, and all the screams & tears, for life being so unfair because one wanted to watch TV, the other wanted ice-cream, while the other needed a certain light that took me forever to find. The days began to feel like a washer on spin mode that never stopped. It made me see that I'm not made to be a mother of a three (maybe one!) because I don't know if I'm able to sacrifice my life that much.
With all the discussions women have about freezing eggs, having children or not, I asked my friends who are mothers - single or married - how motherhood was, and you know what? Despite the love they have for them, most of them told me it’s overrated. You don’t need to become a mother to exist in the world (this I already knew!).
Yes, it is a gift to be a mother. I can also see the vast reasons for why woman would choose to be a mother of 6 or one, or not a mother at all. Above all, I believe we women could still do so much better supporting each other, no matter what we decide. Women helping mothers and mothers not judging women who decide not to have children. The funny thing is we made motherhood the "problem" in society while in the first place it's woman having a problem with themselves and then the dynamic with their partner.
Women, whether they decide to be a mother or not, have the constant battles, confusion, and judgement being imposed on them. Don't forget the tic tock clock that keeps telling you it’s too late. We put so much pressure on our shoulders to fit in a box and that if you are a woman, you must be a mother. This is is so untrue. And trust me, after listening to more than 10 years of stories, not everyone should be a parent.
I encourage you to be honest with your own capacity and take full responsibility for who you want to be, mother or not.
And, to all the mothers... Brava.
Much Love,
Marine Sélénée