to my child

When a woman is pregnant, she is pregnant with three generations. So your grandmother, me and you are already connected. And, I have eggs. I was born with all of them, which is something new I recently learned. You are already a defined and divine number and your destiny will take care of the rest.

Will we ever meet?

I had a few chances of carrying Life and giving birth. But the truth is, no man that I’ve been with so far, has made me feel safe enough to take that risk, to bet on a new Life and new generation. And after 10 years of working with adults struggling with motherhood, parenting, and their own lives, becoming your mother is not something I take lightly.

Also reflecting on your grandfather, I did not have the father that I wish I could’ve had for my little girl. Don’t get me wrong, your grandfather was probably perfect for me because as they say, you choose your parents. But for you, I do not want to repeat his pattern by having you with an absent and emotionally unavailable father. I also do not want to raise you on my own. Forgive me, my dear child. I’m not strong like your grandmother. I don’t know how she did it!

Anyway, back to me and you. For the past year, you’ve been on my mind more, especially as a little boy. I used to like the idea of having a girl but now I have also witnessed the love between a mother and a son that is also very nice. I’ve been thinking of you more because of my age, the births of your cousins recently, being surrounded by children more in general, and maybe also because I want to contribute, with a great guy, to the world, because I know my son, you’d be amazing.

But, your mother is a bit selfish. She loves Love and she loves having her man to herself. Maybe that’s why it would be easier if you are a boy? I don’t know. Since I haven't met your father yet, when I do, I would like to spend a few years with him, making sure that we are on the same page and we can be a unit of three forever and ever. I know your mom is a bit of a romantic to say the least and she wants the happy ending for both of us. 

So here I am on the cusp between 30's and 40s. I used to believe that once I reached 40, it would be too late to have you. And now more and more women like me (business women) are having children in their forties. I can see now, it was the plan, my life. And looking back on my 30s, which were as great as also fucking challenging. I mourned, celebrated, gave up, started again, screamed, cried, loved and deep down continued to crave for Love that my little girl was longing for. 

I see now, I was not ready to be a mother in my 30’s. Because, if I become a mother, I want to give you my best. I want to be there for you. I want to cook for you. I want to see the world through your eyes. I want to be amazed again in front of a giraffe, a rose, the ocean, and hearing for the first time sounds that became regular. I want my heart to hold space for you to become whoever you want to be. I’ve been afraid of being too anxious with you, constantly worrying about you and me doing my best. Do you feel loved, seen, and heard? Am I too selfish to have a spa day while you’re having fun with your dad? Are we too selfish to go on vacation without you while you are with your grandparents?

I already have so many questions and I don't know if I will ever find the answers without you but I’m willing to bet. To take that risk of welcoming a Life, a new Generation without being fearful of your future.
 
Because, damn, the world has been intense lately. I know birth is always a wonderful moment but it’s just a moment, what’s next matters the most. Would we have enough money to help you until we die? Would we have financial freedom to not spoil you like a brat but just exploring the world, playing soccer because your dad will wake up at 6am to take you to your training while your mom gets her rest!

And you know what’s funny? When one of my besties was pregnant for the first time, we were talking about our favorite names and guess what? That’s what she named him, so maybe it was a sign that for this lifetime we were not supposed to be mother-son but funny auntie and little Sashou.

And, I know people would say, you are thinking too much and they would be right. But I also think by not having you yet, was an act of love for your sacred Life. Although we may never be fully ready to be a parent, I do think we need to be aware of who we are and solidify our relationship with our partner before making this big decision.

So, you know what my Love? It’s going to be between me and you. We will make the decision. We will see if we will do it together now or in another life. But rest assure, having you or not having you will be an act of healing and an act of Love. I love you, my child. 

And to all the women who are reading this post: May you trust your destiny as a mother, as there are multiple ways of being one.

Much Love, 
Marine Sélénée