A Before and After... and After-After

Before that, I was naive. 
Before that, I believed in Fairy Tales. 
Before that, I wanted to get married to my first love at 22, have 3 kids and 2 dogs. Before that, I wanted to work in advertising. 
Before that, I was free. 

13 years old. 
Blackout. 

After that, I was numb. 
After that, I was cold. 
After that, I wore a mask. 
After that, Love was a threat. 
After that, my body was a toy. 
After that, my emotions were my enemy. 
After that, I was always on guard. 
After that, I was defensive. 
After that, I fell in love with bad boys. 
After that, I thought I was unbreakable. 
After that, two divorces. 
After that, I ran away. 
After that, I was oversensitive to noise. 
After that, I had anxiety. 
After that, a breakdown.
After that, suicidal thoughts. 

Blackout. 
35 years old. 

After-after that, a feeling. 
After-after that, a sensation. 
After-after that, slowly letting my guard down. 
After-after that, reconciling with Love. 
After-after that, reconnecting with my body. 
After-after that, loving again. 
After-after that, wanting a family again. 
After-after that, attracting kind men. 
After-after that, making peace with my femininity. 
After-after that, trusting men again. 

End of the tunnel, light. 
37 years old.

To all of you, who lost their light, it will come back. At first, it’s a glimpse of light. Then it looks more like a disco ball. And then, it’s an inward feeling, breathing deeper, a crack in your heart, finally letting the light enter. It’s when the masculine & feminine re-harmonize after one of them betrayed us.

At the age of 13, my feminine side betrayed me. If I would’ve been stronger, more masculine, less pretty, less naive, less giving, maybe it would not have happened. I mistreated my feminine for so long that I forgot how good it felt to be seen by a kind man. How good it felt to just lean my head on his shoulder. How good it felt to just fall asleep in his arms. How good it felt to have a family. How good it felt to receive. 

For the past three years, I’ve been working on rekindling a relationship with my feminine side. I went to extremes, but that’s how I found balance again. I’m a testimonial that the harmonization of the masculine and feminine is your biggest liberation. 

May you trust that you equally deserve both. 
May you heal. May you become, You. 

With Love, 
Marine Selenee