eternal love
Love is the principal theme for all of my clients.
A failing marriage.
Being single.
Being cheated on.
Being a cheater.
Abuse in the relationship.
Toxic love.
Handling a divorce.
I mean Love being the answer, I guess we are all trying our best to understand it! And what a job and a journey!
What is Love?
Love starts at your conception when your parents are making Love. Normally, it’s an act of Love, an act of openness and creating a life together. It’s sacred. Following this act of love, there is the 9-month of gestation, hearing your mom’s heartbeat, feeling her feelings, eating her food, being an extension of her. You are literally and physically merged with her. If she is okay, you are okay. If she is not okay, you will be feeling it.
Then finally, it’s time to make your entrance into the world and the reality is shocking! The softness and easiness of the first 9 months becomes a very far away land. You understand very quickly that there is more you now have to deal with like the weather, the environment, and the noise. You start having feelings and wondering what the hell is that? You also begin understanding that your parents have their own lives and cannot satisfy your needs 100% of the time.
You start thinking, like WTF!
But, you still receive a lot of love, a lot of attention and big smiles.
Oh this feeling of being loved so much….
That’s the feeling you will be chasing for your entire life. This absolute, eternal and unbreakable feeling that whatever you need, your parents will do anything possible to make it happen. And, then of course, year after year, things won’t be ideal anymore and all your needs will not be met. I'm not saying you won’t feel loved anymore, but you are so used to getting everything it then creates frustration, which is healthy, but the little boy or girl that you used to be is not at all okay with it!
So, you start developing coping mechanisms and protecting yourself. Rather than starting to give yourself the love that you need, you start asking others to fill it for you. That’s the trap because this unbreakable and merging love that you felt in the womb and for the first few months of your life will never come back again. This is the love you will have to take care of on our own now. Of course, other people will love you and it will feel good, but ultimately you have to nourish yourself. If you expect your partner, your children, your friends to give you that same type of love you felt in the womb, you are going to struggle and suffer your entire life.
You give the dynamic on how you want to be loved and then if there is anything else missing, you will have to give it to yourself.
Remember this sentence from Family Constellations Therapy: “Trust that your parents did the best they could and that they could not have done any better, otherwise they would have done it. So take what they gave you with respect and just move on. Accept what they were able to give you as well as what they were unable to give you.”
Right here is true freedom. Not chasing them anymore. Not staying stuck in your past so you can move forward. You can apply that sentence to your love life and friendships as well.
When a relationship ends, it does not mean it failed because of you. It means the two of you together did the best you could through your own story and now it’s time to move on. However, for the next relationship, stop being blind. Open your eyes, not through your childhood, patterns, or past stories. No, open your eyes with your heart. Stop bullshitting yourself. Stop making up stories and finding excuses for not doing it. The truth is, you are just fucking scared because you know it is the one. And, the one, is a big word! It means everything and nothing! It means that right now he/she is the one aligned with where you are. It’s up to the two of you to grow together for a few months, years, or a lifetime. But take that fucking step now!
Again, do not stay stuck in a pattern or a former story. The only consistency in life is change. And you are the one deciding on that change.
You got full power in your hands.
The eternal love you’re looking for is YOU.
With Love,
Marine Sélénée